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Category Archives: FIGHT STARTED

A LITTLE SPARK CAN START A FOREST FIRE

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, ” what’s on TV ? ”

I said, ‘Dust.’

And then the fight started…

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My  wife was hinting about what she wanted for  our upcoming anniversary.  She said, ‘I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.’

I bought her a scale.

And then the fight   started…

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When I got home last  night, my wife demanded  that I take her someplace expensive… so, I  took her to  a gas station.

And then the fight started…

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After retiring, I went to  the Social Security  office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind  the counter asked me for my driver’s license to verify   my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very  sorry, but I would have to go  home and come back later.

The woman said, ‘Unbutton your shirt’. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said,  ’That silver hair on your chest is proof enough  for me’ and she  processed my Social Security  application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security   office.

She said, “You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.’

And then the fight started…

————  ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ———  —-

My wife and I were  sitting at table at my high  school reunion, and I kept staring at  a drunken lady  swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby  table.

My wife asked, ‘Do you know her?’

‘Yes,’ I sighed, ‘She’s my old girlfriend. I understand she  took to drinking right after we  split up those many  years ago, and I hear she hasn’t been sober  since.’

‘My God!’ says my wife, ‘who would think a  person could go on celebrating that  long?’

And   then the fight started…

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I took my wife to a restaurant.  The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

“I’ll have the strip steak, medium rare,   please.”

He said, “Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?””

Nah, she can order for herself.”

And then the fight started…

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A  woman is  standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her  husband,
‘I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.’

The husband replies, ‘Your eyesight’s damn near  perfect.’

And then the fight started…..

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I  tried to talk my wife into buying a  case of Miller Light  for $14.95.

Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.

I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

And then the fight started….

———— ——— ——— ——–  —————————————-

My wife asked me if a  certain dress made her  butt look big. I told her not as much as the  dress she  wore yesterday

and then the fight started…..

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A man and a woman were  asleep like two innocent  babies.
Suddenly, at 3 o’clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.
The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man  ‘Holy crap. That must be my husband!’

So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped ou the   window. He smashed himself on the ground,

ran through a thorn  bush and to his car as fast as he could go.

A few minutes later he returned and went up to  the bedroom and screamed at the woman, ‘I AM your  husband!’

The woman yelled back, ‘Yeah, then why were you running?’

And then the fight started…..

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Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

The wind was blowing 50   mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.

I cuddled up to my wife’s back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, ‘The weather out there is terrible.’
My loving wife of 10 years replied, ‘Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?’

And then the fight started.

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I asked my wife, “Where  do you  want to go for our anniversary? ”

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.  “Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!” she said.

So I suggested, “How about the kitchen?”

And that’s when the fight started….

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My wife and I are  watching Who Wants To Be A  Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, “Do you want to have sex?”

“No,” she   answered.

I then said, “Is that your final answer?”

She didn’t even look at me this time,   simply saying “Yes.”

So I said, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.”

And that’s when the fight started…

 

 

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Posted by on February 8, 2011 in FIGHT STARTED